Baby Catch Up.

Well, I knew it was a bit to be expected that a third sweet baby would be a little left out of the constant and consistent chronological record I dutifully kept with Kenna and only slightly less so with Finn...  but little did I know that this poor little guy would also have to contend with a packing, moving, unpacking, a new job, and a new church along with the other demands on Mommy's time of pregnancy and two big siblings! This means that there's been not a single pregnancy post about him since we announced it back in September (at which point I was already past the first trimester) and no pregnancy baby book or photo albums so far! (Although to be fair, Finn doesn't have any photo albums yet either- I'm hoping the boys won't really care about this much when they get bigger and won't take it as a sign of Mommy having favorites or anything- Kenna, who probably will be the only one to really care, already has four.)

Maybe the fact that I've tried hard to keep the blog updated will suffice- at least that's what I'm telling myself!

So I thought I'd at least try to play catch up with some of the belly photos I did sneak in here and there through all the busy days. Almost all of them were taken with the fancy photo phone Matt picked out for me, even though he does fuss about how he'd be happy to take "real ones" for me. Somehow it just feels easier to snap a quick one with my phone on the way out the door after how long it takes to get everybody dressed and ready most days!

Baby number 3! 

13 weeks:

12 Weeks 6 days

1st ultrasound! Pregnancy confirmed and ready to announce!

14 weeks

16 weeks

Momma had just gotten herself a haircut.

17 weeks

I felt so large already in this picture!

Partly the denial, but partly that little man has been measuring big all along!

It's a boy!

A friend kept the kids while we went to the ultrasound.

Kenna was a little bummed, but got right on board with brother #2!

I think the cupcake with little blue shoes helped.

18 weeks

Packing up the whole house to move, crashing on the couch at night.

22 weeks

Walking out the door, ready for church.

(At our new house by now.)

29 weeks

Matt bought me this Shelly Moore Band t-shirt for Christmas.

He was purposely hoping it would fit my belly!

32 weeks

I finally broke down and bought a few new maternity pieces, but refused to spend much. 

This shirt was one of them, $10 at Old Navy.

33 weeks

Against my will, finally wearing maternity jeans, also from Old Navy.

I hate how badly they fall down! 

This shirt was consignment, it's super comfy.

I know I did the cute little "how are you feeling" surveys with the other two, but to be honest, this pregnancy has been harder on my body than the first two and I've been trying really hard not to spend the whole time complaining. While I'm thankful to have stayed really healthy, there's been lots more aches and pains than I remembered. Maybe I'm getting older, maybe my body is saying three is my limit, or maybe being pregnant while keeping up with two older babes is just hard work, but I've been struggling especially at night with lots of pain and discomfort, and my old friend severe indigestion. And the Braxton Hicks contractions have been no joke!

We're also having a harder time naming this one than we ever have before. Of course, because we are having a boy, all I can think of is a whole list of girl names I love and I'm really struggling with the boy ones. We've agreed not to go to the hospital without a name settled, so we'll at least have a 15-20 minute drive to decide!

Thankfully, little man moves frequently and reminds me that he is almost ready to join in the fun chaos around here. Kenna is beyond thrilled "two baby brothers," and likes to say hello to my belly and give the "brand new baby" lots of kisses. Finn has just recently gotten into taking care of Kenna's "babees," mostly kissing them and putting them "night night." It's really, really sweet and I can't wait to see what he thinks about the real deal- although we'll have to watch him like a hawk! He is quick and sneaky, and plays a little rough.

Togetherness.

It's been such an amazing thing to see Kenna and Finn's sibling interaction over the past almost two years. They've gone from Kenna barely being older than a baby herself and fascinated by this live baby doll we had living with us, to two small things that seemed like they were the same age, to definitely a big sister/little brother relationship. The biggest thing they have conflict over is toys- Kenna is a classic oldest child and likes to play with her toys exactly in her very specific way, and doesn't want them touched while she's hard at work playing. Finn is of course, a classic little brother and delights in the crazy noises his sister makes when he purposefully messes things up.

This is usually how it goes: Kenna is playing with a toy. Finn takes away part of the toy. Kenna flips out and yells. Finn laughs and runs away with the toy.

But for all the times they don't get along, there are just enough times that they do sit and play nicely together to keep Mommy sane. And it makes it extra special to see them sitting and watching a movie together- they almost always choose to sit right next to each other even when there are plenty of other seats (especially if there's a snack to be shared!). It's just extra sweet.

This morning Kenna invited Finn to sit on the chair with her while they ate breakfast. It's funny because the way they are leaning it looks like neither of them are sitting on it. And yes, they are eating goldfish for breakfast- it was easier than an argument.

Dazed and confused right after a nap (we wake up slow in this family!):

They like to play "laptop" like Mommy and Daddy:

 Pretty much, we do everything together!

Even though breaking up arguments all day can be emotionally exhausting, there is a lot of sweet togetherness going on. Kenna goes in Finn's room every morning to check on him, and if he wakes up first from a nap he will wander the house asking for sister- that's if we can keep him from going in her room to wake her up. Their favorite game is jumping on Kenna's bed together at night before bedtime.

I can't wait to see what adding a third into the mix will look like!

2 hours later...

I cleaned up the playroom last night... every little toy in it's place, each category in the right bucket, everything where it can be found again.

The kids have been awake for just 2 hours now & this is what it looks like...

70 degrees in January!

At the beginning of January, we got a warm snap of high 60's, almost 70 degree weather for almost two weeks! It was pretty weird to be taking down Christmas decorations and making/putting up snowflake decorations when it was so warm out, but the kids especially loved some extra outdoor play time.

An extra fun new thing we do whenever we're outside is watch the train go by. Finn comes running from any room in the house to sit and watch it out our big living room window.

This photo is from our front porch and you can see how close it is:

While Mommy didn't so much love the heat, I did love getting to wear some of my more comfy maternity clothes at 31 and 32 weeks like skirts & flip flops!

On a 5th Anniversary.

I've wanted to write a little bit about suffering for a long time now, but it's also taken me a long time to find quite the right words- years, in fact. I definitely struggle with expressing myself on the subject. Today my family and I remember the 5th 'anniversary' of the day my amazing Mom left this world and her eternity began. This blog did not exist at that time, but if you'd like to read the rest of the story, it is chronicled on my craft blog in the following posts:

a dark day

christmas crafts for mom

while you were sleeping

a new year

my perfect mom

In our Christian culture, it's easy for the American ideal of self-reliance to creep into our doctrine. The "American Dream" tells us that there are no limits to what we can achieve, that hard work will always provide visible results, that we can change our pasts to create a new future, and that the good guy always wins the day. It's easy to see why these are alluring thoughts, and I'm by no means saying that hard work and setting goals for ourselves are bad things. However, these ideals in general do not align with what the Bible teaches us- that we are like grass and flowers that so quickly and easily wilt, so fragile (Isaiah 40) and that God's power is seen perfectly in our weakness and that we should boast not in what we consider our accomplishments, but rather, our weaknesses, disappointments, and even difficulties (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).

Unfortunately, it's usually in the truly difficult times of life, such as the death of a loved one, that we so desperately want to say something helpful but often end up saying things that while well-meaning are not theologically sound. In the wake of my own Mom's death, as I literally felt like I could drown in grief, many such things were said to us. Things like:

"God just needed another angel."

"She wouldn't want to come back from heaven even if she could."

"She's looking down on you now."

And specifically, "God won't give you more than you can handle."

I think this stems from a misunderstanding/misquotation of part of 1 Corinthians 13:

"And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."

Firstly, "tempted beyond what you can bear" and "given more than you can handle" are two very different things. I've been a believer for at least 20 years, and my Mom's unexpected and traumatic death was most definitely more than I could handle. My world was shaken, and more importantly, my view of prayer, the bible, and God the Father was shaken to the point of my feeling the need to deeply reconsider the truth or relevance of everything I had ever been taught or believed.

I cried out in prayer so deeply and breathlessly to God to rescue my Momma, I felt like my heart was screaming. Days later, I held her hand as she died and I wondered if God cared or even heard my prayers. I wondered if it mattered whether I prayed at all if God was just going to exact his will on my life either way.

I read the book of Job in the bible, that God gives and takes away in his timing and wondered if the bible wasn't just a very old book that had nothing to do with me, a 23 year old married woman who felt like a little girl without her mommy.

I wondered how God, whom I'd always been taught was a powerful, infinitely wise and infinitely loving Father, could choose to take her from me when he had the power to intervene- how he could allow pain unlike I'd ever experienced into my life.

So yes, I do think God gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes frequently, especially if we are committed believers. A quick read of almost any book of the bible shows us that faith and salvation are rooted in the understanding that we cannot provide for ourselves anything of eternal importance. We believe we are strong, proud, and proficient. The bible tells us our entire lives and physical selves are temporary, fleeting, and gone like the morning dew in the afternoon (James 4:14).

What I've settled on in the past 5 years is that God gave me more than I could handle not only so that my faith could be strengthened in him, but for me to see the ways that he has provided, the ways that he is sovereign, and all with the promise that even though this world is full of inescapable troubles because of sin, that he provides peace that the world cannot and that he will never leave us to try to handle it alone (John 16:33).

We can be strong and courageous against anything we face because the Lord goes with us and will never leave or forsake us. (Deut. 31:6)

I'm not a big proponent of "claiming" a verse for my specific situation because I think it's easy to take the meaning of the verse out of context and create more ideals such as what we've already discussed here, but when my mom first got sick the verse I searched out and then read to her to try to encourage her (and myself) was 1 Peter 4:12-13:

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

It was my attempt to hold strong in believing that God wouldn't let her and us suffer like this for no reason. That he's all knowing and has a plan, even if I don't or can't fully understand it. I knew that if God would heal my mom, we would be overjoyed (of course!) and my entire family would praise God for his miracle in her life.

The verse the Lord gave me- I also hesitate with that idea, because I don't want to get too hyper-spiritual, but I do believe he lead me to it that day as we drove to the hospital, knowing that she would die in a matter of hours- was John 14:27:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

In the end, it was that verse and the inexplicable knowledge that God had provided it for me in my exact situation, that was the only thing that comforted me. It was the two close friends who called, one from a really far distance, and left voicemails for me while I was at work, just crying with me and barely saying a word. It was the friend who made brownies and sat and cried with me while we ate them. These are the things that meant the most and mattered much more to me than any theologically incorrect Hallmark-ready cliches meant to 'encourage' me.

It was my Dad reading the famililar words of Psalm 23 with us by Mom's bedside:

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me."

The valley of the shadow of death is scary. For all the movies I've watched in my day, I didn't know just how scary. Your mom is the last person who should ever be the first dead body you've ever seen in real life. Death is evil, part of an evil world we live in until God returns, as he's promised, to make all things new and right all the wrongs. And I can find comfort in those promises, and the knowledge that because my mom and I both love God and claim the death and resurrection of his son Jesus for our salvation from the evil of our own and all sin, we can know that we can be very joyfully reunited in heaven.

That's not to say that it's always easy. That five years later I don't still struggle, I don't still cry out, I don't still ask God why because I just don't understand. That doesn't mean that I don't still dream about my mom, still absolutely physically hurt to see her, call her, talk to her, to see her with my children, to live my live with her still in it. The loss of her presence in my life is a wound that, though it has started to heal over and scar with time, will always cause me pain.

But until then, I have these promises and this living testimony- my own true story to tell with firsthand experience of how he was with me, how he was made real in my life, and how he can be found to be real in yours, too.

"I have told you these things so that in me, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

These ARE the Christmas Memories

The closer it gets to Christmas, I've been thinking a lot about what traditions from Matt's and my childhood are important to us enough to keep doing with our kids, and what traditions they will remember or what will be important to them. There's a lot of pressure to think that Matt and I will almost single-handedly shape the memories and traditions of the way our kids celebrate a holiday so important to our faith as they go into adulthood.

I'm finding as a momma it's easy to feel like the buck stops here with traditions... and it's even easier to get wrapped up in the to-do lists and the worry that we aren't making enough/good enough memories for our children. Caught up in the decorating (and protecting the tree from the littles' occasional destructiveness), sending Christmas cards, shopping for and wrapping gifts, planning menus, making ornaments and cookies, and even trying to keep memories of my mom alive in our traditions... and all those other 'traditional' necessities that you forget to make memories in the process. Not to mention on top of all our extra responsibilities that are new this year as a senior pastor's family to a church and town that are new to us, new traditions to learn and navigate. And hold still... Mommy wants to take one more picture of you guys being so cute and Christmas-ey. Sometimes it feels so much easier to decorate the tree or make the cookies at night after the kids have gone to bed instead of putting up with the tantrums and cleaning up the epic messes and dealing with the 'over it' after just getting started just to claim it as a tradition/memory.

In the car with our marshmallows and hot chocolate, well past bedtime, ready to see some Christmas lights:

Christmas card outtakes:

Kenna and Mommy making ornaments together:

Eating Christmas Tree cakes in the kitchen:

Mommy and Kenna watching a Christmas movie (photo by Kenna):

There's a lot to remember and it can get very stressful, as we all unfortunately know. I remember vividly the Christmas that Kenna was about 2 years old (I was pregnant with Finn) and there was so much 'hustle and bustle' that what she came up with completely on her own was the phrase "ho ho hurry." Funny yes, but I don't think I will ever forget it because it's so terribly important to me that that's exactly what the Christmas season is NOT about for our family. That it is not about Santa or reindeer or shopping or hurry up or gimme gimme or even good traditions, but of hopeful and excited expectation of the birth of a baby that changed the course of the world... the only savior, the only one who can bring peace on earth, God incarnate. Oh come, Emmanuel.

So today as Finn napped in his crib and Kenna fell asleep on the couch by the light of the tree, with Christmas carols playing and me trying out a new Christmas recipe in the kitchen, i realized that these are the sights and sounds and smells of Christmas that she will start remembering this year. Yes, there will be some talk of Santa and viewings of Rudolph, riding in the car to look at Christmas lights and hot chocolate, and even some spoilage when she unwraps all those presents, but these will be her memories, and they are good memories. They are safe, happy memories of a warm home with parents and siblings who love her, and whose home hopefully exudes the love of Christ that we work so hard to celebrate and remember in the season. And that's the most important memory to me for our kids.

We have lots of blog stories to catch up on after Christmas (and hopefully after the baby comes I'll be able to keep up so that his little babyhood doesn't blink by as quickly as I'm sure a third child's does. But, until then, we wish you all who may be reading, a very Merry Christmas and a home full of the joy and peacefulness that comes not from perfectly behaved children, perfectly executed traditions, or perfectly arranged plans, but the love of that one little baby, Emmanuel, Christ with us.

Merry Christmas!

Big Changes

We have moved to Eagle Springs, NC, which is near Pinehurst, NC! On October 26th, we loaded all of our earthly possessions into a U-Haul and headed down to our new home. There was a wonderful group of friends from our Sunday school class that came to help us load the truck. My dad, both of my brother-in-loves and so many others made sure that it all happened efficiently and that it all got down here in one piece. On this end, our new church kindly showed up with food and help. The truck was unloaded in just under an hour and then we all collapsed with thankful hearts.

Since March of 2012, I had been interviewing with Eagle Springs Baptist Church, having preached once for them in July, there was a vote to extend the offer to us to come and become their new minister over Labor Day weekend. I was able to preach Homecoming weekend in mid-September and then finish out his time at UNC by the end of October.  

This beautiful historic church is over 100 years old with some of the nicest believers we have ever met. We are so grateful for the church and their love for the people of Eagle Springs, NC.

It is a bit overwhelming to see my name on the church sign as the new pastor of Eagle Springs Baptist Church. I feel very blessed and a bit overwhelmed by the great honor and privilege of pastoring these very sweet people.

We were very blessed that not only did they have a parsonage for us, but the parsonage was brand new! Our new address is 522 Eagle Springs Road, Eagle Springs, NC 27242. The parsonage was particularly a blessing as we were not ready to buy another home just yet and were very thankful to not have to go out searching for a place to rent. 

There is a wonderful unfinished walk up attic that the church has allowed me to set up as a home office. While we hope to finish this space out eventually, it has already been a HUGE blessing to be able to have a home office and storage area. Lindsey even has a great deal of room for her crafts. Sometimes, I even get visits from my sweet ones!

Packing. Moving. Changing.

October 7th, 2012 was Matt's first Sunday morning preaching as the full time senior pastor of our new church, which we wrote a little bit about here. But before that could happen, several weeks of planning, packing, and praying went into getting ready to make a completely new place our home.

While Matt was still working the evening shift at UNC hospital, a lot of the physical packing fell to me and the kids at home during the day while he took care of lots of the logistics like forwarding our mail and bills, and pretty much anything that could be done online during his breaks.

Packing this time around was extra tiring and emotional for me with two littles underfoot and being pregnant. Thankfully, we had lots of family and friends nearby who helped us out in a myriad of ways. Matt's parents had clients who had just moved who sent over at least two pickup truckloads of boxes for us to use! This was a huge help and provided lots of laughs to see how someone else had labeled their packed stuff... some of them were just plain funny. There was one labeled simple "parts" but we didn't know parts to what? And "dragons:"

Kenna and Finn thought packing up everything we own into a box was the most fun idea ever. It was really adorable and sweet to see the ways they wanted to help. We found lots of oddly packed little boxes full of Kenna's treasures:

and Finn mostly just thought it would be helpful to take things back out of the boxes as I put them in. We made sure to stock up on lots of snuggles and talk about all the exciting new things about our new house to ease the transition.

Because the parsonage was move-in ready (and brand new and beautiful!) we were able to take a few weekend trips when Matt first started preaching every Sunday, and "camp out" on our mattresses and a futon and Finn's pack and play.

We also made more than one load with a moving truck and a trailer. It was really great to break up the work this way- we had 2 brothers, one dad (Matt's), 2 neighbors, and Sunday school members/friends and a partridge in a pear tree helping us pack up the Wake Forest house. I couldn't believe how fast it went! My precious neighbor Jenn came behind us as we worked, cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming. I'll never forget sitting in the living room, Matt and I both in tears over leaving a 'borrowed' place that we had made home... where our babies were babies... leaving a town we thought the Lord would allow us to stay... headed out into yet another completely unknown major change. Simply exhausted.

We spent the night at Matt's parents and then drove the big truck down the next morning. Just about every member of our new church helped us unload in some way- the guys lifted furniture, teens carried in boxes, and the ladies brought food! My Dad even drove up from South Carolina to spend the night with us and help unload. It was great and we felt so welcomed, despite the chaos of all our stuff! I couldn't wait to start getting things unpacked and arranged in our new place.

Here's a photo of our new living room, things have come along! We've really tried to paint and hang things to make it feel homey right away! Of course, I don't expect it to stay this way for long, as I am a chronic furniture re-arranger.

The church held a really lovely welcoming and parsonage dedication, and we have been so touched and thankful at their provision of this house for their pastor. We are so honored to live here and be the very first stewards of it!

Big Kid Well Checks!

We decided it would be a good idea to take both kids in to the pediatrician to buy us some time to find a new pediatrician after we move. These were just well checks, but both kids did need to get their flu shots (and Finn additionally got one of the hepatitis rounds).

I'm always grateful when going into the pediatrician at how healthy our kids are and how much I've been able to take that for granted. We haven't had to deal with any asthma or breathing treatment stuff that seems so common in our little friends. Just a well check costs $30 per child in co-pays, and I can't imagine how much more expensive it would be if they needed ongoing care- I'm extra grateful we've never been desperate to figure out how to financially get our kids the care they need! It's so humbling.

This was the first well check where Kenna really felt like a big kid- she got to sit and get her blood pressure taken, her height and weight, and did a whole eye exam of recognizing shapes that the nurse said she did really well on! I"m so glad I quickly snapped this photo with my phone of her looking so big and proud of herself!

She even got to wear the special paper robe that she said was like a "toilet paper dress."

We had talked to Kenna about the flu shot beforehand- about how it would pinch and hurt for just a minute, but then feel better, that the doctor would be very nice, and that we would hold her hand and get her some special stickers for being brave. She informed us that she would be getting the shot "all by herself" and that she would hold the doctor's hand if she needed to. It turned out she was super brave! The doctor had her give Daddy a big hug, and while her arm was up high, she gave her the shot in her shoulder. I think Kenna didn't even realize it was already over and done! She did such a great job, we were so impressed and proud.

Kenna and Finn both ran around the office and the exam room the whole time we were waiting, and Finn did not appreciate it when we made him sit still while sister got checked. In fact, this is before he even got his shots:

He didn't appreciate the shots either, and cried just as hard when I had to hold him still so the doctor could look in his little ears. He hates to be forced to sit still! We came home after lunch and crashed out hard for a long afternoon nap.

So, so thankful for my healthy babies, and soon we'll be three!