just for you, Alisa!

Ok, as requested, here is a picture of my new haircut. It's my attempt at remedying (is that a word?) the sad lack of pictures in our blog recently. Keep in mind I hate having my picture taken, much less taking my own picture, so if these look cheesy, that's why!

It's even nice and freshly colored! And if I look tan, don't worry, it's just the bare minerals talking. There. Now you know all my secrets (and trust me.... that's about where the high maintenance ends!). I promise this is not a blog about my hair.

It's been a bit of a bittersweet day for me, because today would have been Mom's 53rd birthday.
This photo, I think, is from her 51st. What an unbelievable two years. We've had a couple of really sweet emails from folks, reminding us that they are thinking of us and remembering Mom. That's so important to me. When I think about Matt and I having kids, all I can think is how will I ever be able to explain to them how wonderful she is? I can't even use the word "was" in that sentence. I know their perception of her, and if they are ever going to feel like they really knew her, will depend on my being able to impart stories and memories and wisdom from her. I see that as a huge responsibility.

So, I'm trying to keep being thankful that we know where Mom is, we know we can and will be with her again one of these days. To quote some old country song, that's the only true comfort I feel. I'm trying to be happy that, even though I miss her terribly and my heart still grieves the pain and loss of not having her here, she is celebrating! She's having the best birthday ever, her first heavenly birthday! Can you imagine THAT chocolate? What a blessing to know that we will be able to celebrate with her again.

Speaking of which, we watched The Passion of the Christ the other night, and it was amazing. If you haven't seen it, I really recommend it! I think we'll be showing it to our kids one day as soon as we feel like they're old enough to handle the vivid scenes of how badly beaten Jesus was on his way to the cross. I loved that the whole thing was in Hebrew with English subtitles... I have so much respect for actors that can pull that off and still make their acting so believable. The whole entire movie (2 hours) is devoted to this amazing thing Jesus suffered, and it really highlights the fact (for a believer) that he could have chosen to end his suffering at any time. You see him throughout the movie choosing to allow it to continue, and even choosing to die for the very people that put him to death. The lines "they know not what they do" and the verse Isaiah 53:5 "...with his stripes we are healed" will really take on a whole new meaning. The only downside Matt and I agreed on, is that at the end, they give very little time or emphasis to the fact that death wasn't the end, and they didn't give any kind of salvation message. It's kind of like giving someone an unsolvable equation and then holding back the answer, even though you have it! It was a very good movie though, I'm glad I finally saw it.

Learning to share

I went to get my hair cut today and was talking to my stylist (that sounds pretentious, but I can't think of a better way to put it!) and found out that her mom recently died in October. This stylist is the mom of a girl I worked with when I worked in customer service for the Body Shop, and I've been to her a couple times for a haircut. I told her that my mom had recently died too, very unexpectedly and suddenly, and she asked me the strangest thing. She asked me if I had any "signs" that she was still with me. I (somewhat naively) said "do you mean, like, pictures?" She replied that she felt that she had seen "some lights" and other things that made her think "her mom was still with her." When I mentioned wanting to have my Dad close by to take care of him, she asked "if they were together" as though it were safe to assume they were divorced, and then sounded surprised when I said no, they've actually been married for over 30 years. That made me sad, too. The only thing I could think to reply with was that I am a Christian and know my mom was too, and that I know she is in heaven. She isn't around here anymore.

I felt so bad for this lady who so desperately wants to hang onto the memory and presence of her mom in her life that she would take flickering lights or some such nonsense as a "sign" of her mom's spirit. Of course I can understand not wanting to let go, not wanting to be far apart from your mother. I believe that from even before birth, we have such a special connection to our mothers, both physical and through love, that we will never have something quite the same with any other person. A close friend or mentor can be "like a mother" but there is just no replacing the nurturing of a mother's love. Imagine the way a pregnant woman waits for nine months, dreaming about, preparing for, talking to, and loving on her baby before it's even born! And after it's born, well, that baby becomes her whole world. The mother/child relationship is so crucial and so impossible to re-create once lost.

I could talk forever about this subject, as I think of and miss my mom every minute of the day, but my real point is that I was shocked today at how I felt totally unprepared and inadequate to tell this lady that I know how she can not have to rely on signs and feelings and how she could have real hope. Honestly, it was an awful feeling to have while we're looking for a ministry position... if I can't tell my hair stylist how to have hope in the face of death when I've just been through it myself, how can I help Matt lead a whole congregation? I know I have to do my part so that these opportunities won't be wasted.

I came home and ended up reading the Talley's most recent post about Linda's condition. It breaks my heart to read their posts, because it's so painfully similar to our situation with Mom, but in extreme slow-motion. They are preparing to go through one of the hardest things there is to go through, and I can say for a fact that I know what it's like. But then, I also read our friends the Creech's blog... their grandma just found out that her lymphoma is back... and Faye's writing is so encouraging, I wanted to share a bit:

"But it is precisely the pain and suffering and aching and crying that make us more able to pray. And the prayers make us more able to hear God's voice in the midst of troubles. For after the shock and anger and tears these words have the most meaning:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33"

I've seen ways so far that I feel God has used such great tragedy in my life to prepare me for something... I just don't know what yet. He's used Mom's death as an open door to compassion for those who have lost loved ones and for those who are lost themselves. I'm continuing to pray that I will be obedient to Him and "faithful to the process" as Dad says.

Everyday update

We went for a great long walk at Falls Dam today and were thinking that we should probably update about some of the every day stuff going on with us. We are still looking for jobs... Matt heard back from a church in Iowa, and after a little bit of family discussion, we unanimously decided we really don't want to commit to moving to Iowa (This is Matt: Also, the church did not want to grow and, having learned that, it did not seem like a good fit for us as we would like to serve somewhere where we could help grow the church). He's had a couple of responses and is going to the next level with a couple of churches. That usually means filling out a type of survey or questionnaire regarding the background of his faith, his specific beliefs, and our beliefs as a family. We are still trusting God to bring us exactly the right thing! I'm also going to be looking for something else besides Target, if possible. It has been great as far as flexibility right when we needed it with Mom being sick, but now I'm feeling the need to move on because it reminds me of that awful time. It's also frustrating to be working nights and weekends when Matt is working usual daytime hours. It's the same problem we've had for a couple years now, conflicting schedules, so I'm hoping to find something a little more 9 to 5 to try to have more time together.

What we did decide to commit to (although unrelated to jobs) was Weight Watchers! We've both been frustrated at gaining more than a couple pounds through the stress of changing jobs and family sicknesses and deaths, especially of my Mom. I still struggle with that daily (sometimes hourly, it feels like) and I'm totally trying to find my comfort in food. It's a cycle that I've dealt with pretty much my whole life, and it's a process to teach yourself to turn to something else for that comfort. So, we're going to take advantage of the fact that we're constantly on the internet anyway and try out weightwatchers.com to log our points. We'll let you know how it goes! Bathing suit season is approaching.... (eek!)

My trip down to Orlando with Alisa and Dad was really productive. I felt like God really blessed our time there, as we were able to get a lot done and keep a positive attitude about it for the most part. That's not to say that it wasn't hard and full of lots of bittersweet memories, but it was a great time of bonding with my sister and getting some things accomplished that Dad couldn't have done on his own. That was the important part! We're all going to be making a couple more trips here and there to start collecting up the stuff that we sorted and organized, and bringing it back to Raleigh. I'm really excited to get some projects finished, and to start some new ones with all the amazing supplies we've inherited from Mom... especially with a certain someone's birthday coming up soon!

For now, I am off to work (on a Sunday night, unfortunately) leaving Matt and Pontouf to their own devices for dinner! By the way, I'm doing a "color week" on my ellebee studio blog that is turning out to be a lot of fun!

Discovering the Old among the New

As I have been studying the Bible while Lindsey is in Florida helping her Dad, I have be drawn to trying to understand more about the God I serve in relation to what often feels like overwhelming odds in the form of disease, natural disaster, and corrupted human nature. So many people are touched in one way or another by these things and with the advances in medical technology, people have ceased to "die," but have now fallen prey to cancer, heart disease, hunger, and all manner of diseases. We've given these beasts a name and it makes it seem so new and alarming, but the truth is, it's not new at all. Ecclesiastes 1:9-14 tell us, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." This is not disheartening at all in light of the fact that while we are put to death by all manner of ailments, God has not changed once. These grievances and painful wounds are new to us, but not to Him and not to the world. It is our great pleasure to tell a dying world of the unchanging God we serve and it is our responsibility as Christians to search His word for the answers to these questions. For myself, the struggle isn't in recognizing that God is in control or that He is sovreign, it is wanting to feel unique in MY disease or MY struggles. I want to be in control and noticed. The fact is, God is more powerful than all of these diseases, and His will trumps my longing for control. This is and always has been a good thing. People have been dying for years of diseases and tragedies and while we now know the names of them through advances in science and the speed at which news finds us through technology, the outcome for our flesh has not changed. God has defeated death (1 Cor. 15:55) and while death may still be a tormentor of the surviving and the dying, it's not new to God and I thank Him for not being new to me. While I'm sure it seems silly to some, it helps me to know that God is not just learning of pain, cancer, heart disease, and all manner of ailments as we so often do when it touches us and our loved ones. He's not surprised or left dumfounded that His children are suffering from one ailment or another, but quick to listen and comfort. God is always present, involved, and moving in this world, as He has always been. My response to knowing this about Him (and life in general) is that I have to study and teach those aroud me so that when these trials of life become new to them, the answers of old will be the same relevant truths to them as they were to Job, David, and Paul.

The Drowsy Chaperone

A friend of mine through work had tickets to a variety of shows and offered them to me about three weeks ago. I told her I would love them and ended up just picking one of the six shows on a whim....The Drowsy Chaperone (Go see it if you can!). Well, this past Thursday we went and saw it and had the best time! Alisa, Jason, Lindsey and I all went out to eat at Chili's first and then saw the musical together. While I'm not a huge fan of musicals, I was laughing so hard I was crying through a good part of it and I looked down the line to see that I was not the only one. We all really enjoyed it and had a teriffic time! Afterwards, we made an obligatory run to Krispy Kreme (I mean c'mon, we were in downtown Raleigh) where we sat and talked. With Lindsey and Alisa's trip to Florida to begin helping Dad sort through Mom's belongings looming, the conversation lended itself towards heavier things, but even through that we all still had a great time. I love spending time with my family. I wasn't always this way, but I'm finding out that the older I get, the more I treasure the relationships I have with those that have to say they are associated with me and choose to love me anyway. Hope you're all having a wonderful Friday morning!

Praise You In The Storm

This has been a very trying year and a half for our family and it's not over. Throughout the last year and a half, we have lost so many loved ones that it has become impossible to not be aware of the realities of life and death all around us. In this past year, we have seen Lindsey's Great Aunt Mary and Great Uncle Bill, my brother-in-law Sandy's Dad and Stepmother, my Aunts Marlene and Verna, my Uncle Jim, Lindsey's grandfather Daddy Dean, my surrogate grandfather John Prince, and Lindsey's own Mom go to be with the Lord. Yesterday we got the news that my Uncle Jack has only weeks to live from a cancer that has swept his body. All of these have had an effect on us as if building up to some colossal storm within us. Each one of these people has been special to us and each "loss" has hurt to endure. Some went quickly and some have gone slowly, but all have been sorrowful despite the knowledge of an eternal reunion in Heaven. An older pastor I know often says that funerals are sad days, but not bad days. I can truly say that about all of this. Tonight I sat in my car and listened to a new CD from Borders that I admittedly purchased based off of one song, "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. That storm building up inside of me has materialized often in tears and cries to God over our temporary loss of such influential and important people in our lives. Two weeks ago I was driving home from the store and heard "Praise You In This Storm" in my car. I pulled over and sobbed. I love these people we have known that have gone on to Heaven and while I feel like an eternal wound has been caused to my soul to be without them, I have to remind myself to never forget that we are not alone in our grief and that God is exactly who He has always been no matter where I am in my life. God has always shown Himself to be the God who cares enough about us to weep with us in our grief, to send His Son to die for our sins, and to be a God who gives and takes away. It is all too convenient for me to say to God that He is my loving Lord and the provider of my needs when I am in the midst of all of the blessings He has given. It is another thing altogether to say the same when He has chosen to change my situation or has allowed it to change. I praise our Lord for what He has done and continues to do and I encourage you to do the same. I have included in this post a video which includes the song, "Praise You In This Storm." It convicted me in my car until I raised my hands and praised God for who He is. The video is admittedly a bit overdone, but the song is beautiful and I wanted to share it with all who would listen.



It doesn't make the pain less real to acknowledge its existence, however, it makes my understanding of that pain that much more bearable to acknowledge His existence in it.

These are some verses that have helped me: Romans 8:28, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (all of chapters 4 and 5 really), Psalm 42:5, Job1:20-21, 2 Corinthians 5:1-10, Daniel 3:16-18. Hope they teach you as much as they have ministered to me.

sick day(s)

Well, I think I finally caught whatever germs were floating around work and both sides of our family. I very rarely get knocked-off-your-feet sick, but this is aches, pains, crackers, juice, sleeping all day and sleeping some more. I slept all day yesterday off and on around two movies, and my big accomplishment so far today has been giving myself and the dog a bath. Of course, that means a bath and then straight back into jammies and bed, waiting for Matt to bring home more dayquil. Yay. Luckily, I already had yesterday off work, but had to call in today. Hopefully I'll be mostly cleared up by tomorrow.

Thursday night, driving home from work, I was listening to an old Jennifer Knapp cd and heard a really beautiful acoustic guitar song of hers that I've always really loved. I listened to the lyrics closely, and they were really encouraging to me because of the tough week I've had. I'm still trying to wade through all of the emotions and questions and crying out to God over losing my Mom. Here are the words to the song:

He is my Light and my Salvation
Whom have I to fear?
in His secret place I'll hide and pray
that I might hear a simple word

Oh, how I would have despaired
if You had not come found me there
Ican lean against Your throne and find my peace
find my peace

And when my enemies draw near
Ipray that they will find
that i'm protected and secure
all tempests He will bind with a mighty word

Oh, how I would have despaired
if You had not come found me there
I can lean against Your throne and find my peace
find my peace

He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fear?

It's a really simple song, but it's very beautiful and definitely worth a download if you're able to do that. I think for now I'm going to gather up my crackers and juice and head back to bed (or at least the couch!).